underground things, aioli, focus,

I have this game I like to play when I'm underground. My subway stop has a long corridor that's one level above the train platform and one level below the ground, and the G train stops in the middle of the platform, so I often find myself walking down the long corridor, as I cannot strategically get off the train right below the end of said corridor. I usually prefer to walk there (through the corridor) as the platform is more dangerous (what if a deranged person tackles me onto the tracks) and walking above, on the street, makes the walk home feel longer (underground space and time are different, somehow).

The corridor is lined with movie posters, because there are so many potential eyes here that could look at them, and the corridor is long, and advertising budgets are large. We are trained or programmed, who knows which, to look at them, and they are designed specifically to attract eyeballs. I don't think that looking at advertisements is an inherently harmful activity but I like to try avoiding them sometimes. For fun? Partially for peace of mind. 

The game is simple, just don't look at the posters. Look forward and focus on what's ahead of you. There's a little red sign on the other side of the turnstyle. This a concentration exercise more than anything, but it's more aggressive than meditation, which I have historically not been very good at, for the classic reasons. It's not easy. You are very aware of all the things that you're avoiding. It's mental and ocular abstinence, but active: you're pursuing the object of your focus, getting closer and closer to a finish line (turnstyle). You sort of clench your teeth and push on through, like that very determined sort of fucking. Or you feel like you're walking a tightrope, walking and concentrating, walking and concentrating. Winning makes my brain feel powerful. Like the center of my brain is flexing itself like a fist, energized and strong and big.

Once I make it up to the street I keep on going, looking straight ahead of me as I walk down the sidewalk. I breathe in every four breaths and out every four breaths like it's a recipe: four steps in, four steps out. Makes me want to make perfect right angles so I have to shift my gaze as infrequently as possible. Two little girls look down on me from a stoop and it's over, and I'm wondering if I should say hi to them, and I'm home soon, making a mess in my kitchen and scrolling again on my couch.

++

aioli is a bitch to make. you tell yourself it's a good arm workout. if there's someone sitting with you in the kitchen while you do it you feel like you're taking too long, or you worry they can see the sweat gathering in the corners of your face. but we tell ourselves that DIY is good and DIY is great and homemade aioli really does taste better than the store-bought stuff, and isn't it fun to know that you've made your own condiments. a greasy little pat on the back we give ourselves. I had to make some for work recently, wasn't even my choice. fucked it up the first time and succeeded the second. once I had to make it on camera and I think I screamed at someone in the office while it was happening. so try it, but also remember that this is a challenge of both concentration and calm.

the game is simple, just don't let it break. (aioli is an emulsion, and if you don't do things just right it will separate—or break—into a dismal cloudy-looking swamp of fat and egg.) whisk cold egg yolks until they're uniformly yellow and smooth, add a pinch of salt, some garlic pounded to a paste. start whisking vigorously and never stop. add a drop of olive oil; add another; are you still whisking vigorously? whisk vigorously the whole time. your arm will tire but all you can do is focus, watch each drop of oil incorporate into the pale yellow mass, making sure nothing goes awry. if you look away maybe everything will go to shit, maybe your pouring arm will get overly excited or the bowl will go flying or the aioli gods will get angry, which i'm sure they do, sometimes. 

after a bit you can let the drops become streams. (the emulsion is less volatile now.) you can add more, more confidently, when you're closer to the end and see it within reach, but this is also the point at which you're holding on to the promise of your prize with the whitest knuckles. you've made it this far, et cetera. when it tastes like olive oil, when it tastes like a garlicky mayonnaise, when it tastes good, you are done.

it's particularly nice for a breakfast sandwich when you have enough morning to go out for a walk and a coffee and pick up a roll to make yourself a breakfast sandwich. (soft scramble your eggs.) sometimes you can just buy one roll, i learned that today.

aioli

1 egg yolk
1 clove of garlic, mashed to a paste with a pinch of salt in a mortar and pestle (or minced well and then smushed into a paste with the side of a big knife)
pinch salt, plus more to taste
a squeeze of lemon juice
1 cup olive oil (use the good stuff, it tastes better)

whisk the egg yolk in a bowl until it's smooth and glossy and homogeneous. add the garlic, a pinch of salt, and a small squeeze of lemon—no more than a teaspoon or two.

note: it's nice to fold a kitchen towel underneath your bowl to steady it, so it doesn't fly about while you're whisking. if you don't have one, don't stress.

you're going to add your olive oil in tiny drops and then tiny streams and then bigger streams, so if you have something with a spout—like one of those liquid cup measures—pour the oil from that. while whisking your egg yolk vigorously (furiously), start pouring in your oil, drop by drop, making sure that each drop is whisked in well. it's going to take a while and you might get annoyed but just think about it as penance. or something else. once you've added a quarter cup or so, you can start pouring in small streams. if things get thick like a paste, add in a few drops of water or lemon juice. keep going, making sure you're constantly whisking in what you've poured, to incorporate (and emulsify) it. you don't want to see a bunch of oil hanging out in your bowl. once you've added all the oil and you have something thick and jiggly, taste for salt. 

store in an air-tight container in the fridge. use to make things like potato salad, egg salad, fancy breakfast sandwiches, etc.

note: the most impressive thing you can do with this is throw a grand aioli party and invite me

note: if your aioli breaks, here's how to fix it

note: i love you